The End?
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I have been back in �good� old Cali for two hours. It�s been a long emotional day flying back from Middle America or want is more often referred to as the Mid-West. I wish I could say that it is nice to be home. I wish I came home to beautiful California Sunshine and 70 degree weather. Right now, the sky looks how I feel. Sad�.gloomy�.and ready to burst with tears. Me an B may very well be done. The visit began like a fairytale. A beautiful welcoming. It ended like a really sad love story. Tears and all. Tears that no matter how hard I try to hold them back, they over filled my eyes and ran down my chubby cheeks. It�s been like this most of the day. The only time I was not crying was when I took an hour�s nap on the flight from OH to TX. TX to CA was the longest 3.5 hour flight I think I have EVER experienced. I could not sleep, could not eat and the Coke that I had tasted bland. I tried to watch the movie. A comedy. But I can�t seem to fix myself to laugh or smile. It�s been a long time since I felt this kinda pain. I have tried to avoid it. But things just did not work out the way I would have planned. I am really trying to focus on the good times I had with B over the last 5 days and even the last two years. But all that comes to mind is the moment I have been trying to avoid. The moment when I finally admitted, through my uncontrollable tears and sniffles, that I wanted more. That what we were/are doing is too emotional for me. That I feel like I am in a dead end job with no opportunity for advancement in sight. He understood. We sat in the Columbus airport for 30 minutes as I cried. He stroked my hair. Kissed my forehead. And wiped the tears from my eyes. For every tear that was wiped away, 50 million more fell. The pain of knowing things are over is unreal. I wonder how I could ever meet someone like him? How will I move on past him? The tears are still falling and I wonder, WHAT HAVE I DONE?????? |
4:20 p.m. || December 06, 2004 |
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