Does it have to be.........The End?
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It�s been a long time since I was grateful for having my roommates. Monday, I had every intention on coming home getting in my pj�s and crying myself to sleep. Really, all I wanted to do was sleep. As long as I was sleep, then I would not be thinking about B. After I warmed up my Mom�s homemade turkey soup, I tried to make a mad dash for my room, but the roomies stopped me. They wanted to know all about my trip. As emotionally drained and tired that I was, I told them how great it was. I told them about the balloon and flowers waiting for me as I climbed into the front seat of B�s Cadillac. I told them about the Buckeye hockey game we went to on Friday night. A first for the both of us (and yes, we were about the only black folks in the arena). I told them all about B�s company Holiday Party at the Hyatt and how absolutely crazy the white folks he works with are. I told them all about how before I could get even half way done with one drink, his co-workers (and their wife�s) were bringing more drinks. I moved on to stronger stuff after about my 4th White Zin. I told them about the bar we went to after the Holiday party. I told them how B and I made out like silly teens in front of the hotdog stand at 2:30 in the morning as we waited for the vendor to prepare our food. I told them about B�s new house and how I felt privileged to be the first to see it. I told them how we spent Sunday afternoon shopping for appliances for his new house. I told them what an absolutely wonderful time I had. I managed to leave out the whole airport scene. I figured they didn�t need to know all about my crying episode(s). Later, as Stac and I talked, I told her the bad news. I somehow managed not to cry, although my eyes teared up more than once. But she knew that there was much more to the �I like him a lot� story that I told. The four letter �L� word never escaped my mouth when we talked, but she asked me one very interesting question. Stac asked me, �if B were to ask you to drop everything and move to be closer to him would you do it?� I thought for a moment. Would I be willing to give up my job, move away from my family and friends and take the HUGE risk of moving to be with this man?? �Yes, I would.� Stac gave me the look. The look that said she sensed I passed up that �I like him� stage. She says that I need to take the risk and just tell him how I feel. Stac and I talked for an hour and a half. It was long past my bedtime and my internal clock was so out of whack from the flight and the late nights in a different time zone that sleep was begging for me to give it a try. I decided to wait to call B. I got ready for bed. As I was digging through my suitcase to find my hairbrush I grabbed hold of a notepad. I pulled it out, not remembering a notepad being in that particular section of my suitcase. I began reading it. Page after page. Each page filled with a different message from B. A notepad full of memories and cherished words. Happiness and sadness all at once filled my heart again. I tossed the notepad on my desk and finished prepping my self for bed. Tuesday, I called him. I needed to hear his voice. I wanted to know if he was suffering as much as I was. No answer. When I made it home that night around 6ish, I went straight to sleep. I slept through the whole night. This morning when I awoke, I happened to glance at the notepad, I saw the words and was reminded again of what was causing the ach in my heart. I tossed the notepad into my desk drawer. Out of sight, out of mind. Or so I wish. |
4:11 p.m. || December 08, 2004 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |