Look at where I'm at Now!!!
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I am supposed to have a 3-month review with my supervisor today to go over my list of accomplishments and my future professional goals. I have no idea what I am going to say. I have spent most of my morning trying to go thru all my unorganized shit trying to pull together what I have spent the last 3 months doing (besides surfing the net most of the day). I wish I could just walk into my supervisors office and tell her about my Diaryland site and the hours that I have spent updating, reading, and exploring the site. But since I�m not getting paid to do that, I guess I better keep my mouth shut about d*land. I pulled together a nice little list of accomplishments thus far. The hard part is trying to decide how I want to grow professionally at the Center. There are many options that I can explore but that means working with some of the people here that can be kinda anal and very difficult at times. I know that working with unworkable people is a part of being a professional, but my mission here is to keep from snapping on somebody who takes my age, race and position at the center for granted. I see how some of the big wigs take advantage of other people in my position and I will not let that happen to me. I have suppressed one of my many alter egos, which was conveniently labeled by my former peers in Michigan as ABF (angry black female). I would really hate to have ABF resurface here at the center. I hate the label ABF and don�t want my co-workers thinking that I am unprofessional in ay way just cause I speak my mind and stand up for myself. I can�t have people thinking that I am weak and easily manipulated. Gawd I hate that question, �where do you see yourself in (X amount of time)?� It used to be so easy for me to complete that question. I had everything planned out when I was in high school. But when I got to college, things began to change, career decisions became more important because it was those decisions that were supposed to shape my future. Of course I look back at my high school plan and realized that outside of going to college I have done very few things that I had planned on doing. I didn�t even stick with my original major. I have such a hard time creating plans and goals now because I get so frustrated when I look back 5 years later and realized that I all did was waste my time and perfectly good paper developing a plan that would eventually get tossed into the trash can. I�m sick trying to plan my life only for the plan to drastically take a different turn. I keep asking myself �what the fuck is the point?� I know I need a plan, one that is workable, but just thinking of all the things that I wanna do in X amount of time makes my head hurt. Since I have been out of school, I just don�t have that same drive and ambition any more. I think it is partly because I really have no idea where I am going to be in a year. Last year at this time if you would have told me that I would be back living in Sacramento, I probably would have cussed you out for wishing such evil on me. But look at where I am now! In school I always knew where I would be the following year...back in school. Even when I finished undergrad I knew I would be going to grad school. Now my future just seems up in the air. I never would have imagined that I would be doing research cause I absolutely hated research in college. But look at where I am at now! My career like my life has took a drastic turn and now I have no idea which direction that I want to go. Sometimes I wish that I was just a kid again so that I can have the comfort and security in knowing that somebody would be there to hold my hand and guide me across the street so I didn�t get run over by hustle and bustle of people on the move. And even if I did take a wrong turn, I want the comfort in knowing that somebody would be able to steer me back in the right direction without frowning on me and scolding �you knew better than that�. I try to convince myself that I have accomplished a lot in my 23 years. But for some reason I feel like I could have done so much more. I already know that the title page of �The Life and Times of A Blackpearl� looks good. But once you open up the jacket cover and began reading the manuscript, the content just isn�t as good as the cover makes it seem. I wish I knew how to make the cover and the content of my life look equally impressive. |
11:01 a.m. || September 10, 2003 |
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