If only you knew....
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A repeat of two Mondays ago happened again last night. I�m up .4 lbs. I just don�t get it. Three weeks until I will complete the ten-week program. So far I feel like I have wasted money at WW. Sure I have learned how to eat a little better. Sure I have cut back on the fast food because I know that I can consume all my point for a day in one meal. The gym thing is working out for me, only because most days I would rather be at the gym then at home. But what good has all this new knowledge done for me. I may as well go back to losing weight the wrong way. At least that worked. I wish I could say that I feel better and healthier, but I don�t. I feel like to much of my day is spent wondering how many points a certain food has or how many calories I need to burn tonight at the gym in order to burn off the dressing I put on my Chinese chicken salad that I had for lunch (not what I had planned to have, but how do you turn down lunch when some one else is treating). I feel like my life is consumed with how to lose weight and wanting it so bad that it is making me crazy and maybe even slightly depressed. Stac knew there was something wrong with me last night. She also knows that I tend to keep things bottled up. As she stood in my door way asking me what was wrong, I struggled to fight back the tears and swallow the knot in my throat so that I can giver her the answer that would satisfy her and convince her that I would be okay. The minute she closed the door, the tears came. I wish I could tell her that I am sick of being fat. I am sick of felling alone, I am sick of feeling like shit and I wish I was happier. How the hell do you tell someone that?? As I was talking to a patient today on the phone, he was telling me how nice and cheerful I was whenever he called. He told me that I always sound so happy and considering his current situation, it was refreshing. I wanted to tell him, �If only you knew�. |
2:19 p.m. || November 16, 2004 |
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