Baby free and proud to be!!!
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My 24th birthday is less than a month away and I am beginning to think that maybe I choose the wrong path for my life. Instead of going off to school, getting an education, and trying to better my future, I should have stayed home and had babies...lot�s and lot�s of babies. Shoot everyone else I know is doing it, I wanna fit in too. I don�t wanna be the odd one out cause I don�t have 2 or 3 baby daddies! I went to my 21-year old cousin S baby shower on Saturday. S has been 21 for all of 2 months now and is about to give birth to a baby girl any day. Her sister R who is the same age as me..actually we are only 3 months apart got pregnant that summer right after we graduated from high school. All of my cousin�s friends that were at the shower (minus the three high school girls who rode with someone to the shower) had kids except ME!! So here I am at this baby shower thinking maybe I made a mistake. The mistake was getting the hell outta California when I finished high school to experience something other than the comfort and security of Sacramento. My cousins who live in Vallejo and all their friends (about 15 women or so) had kids and some of them had more than 1 kid. The scary part is that most of these women were under the age of 25 and I did not hear anyone discuss a husband or even a live-in boyfriend. But I heard the term baby daddy discussed more than once. In the last couple of weeks that I have seen my cousin, not once have I heard her discuss the farther of her child. She did mention last week that she might see him at the state fair and that was about it. During the shower, we played a game about how well we knew my cousin. One of the questions asked was "During the whole time that S has been pregnant, who has she hated the most?" the answer was the babie's daddy of course. Why do girls do this?? Sleep with some random guy; get pregnant, and then can�t get along with them. I asked S if dude was helping her out at all and her answer was no. "Oh but he will be paying child support" was her response. I was impressed that my cousins are still so close to their high school friends. There are very few people from high school that I keep in contact with now. Most of them have kids and my former best friend is married with kids. I have very little in common with my high school chums anymore. I lost contact with most of them when I went off to school. When I would come home for holiday breaks and try to hang out with them again, I realized that I had taken 5 steps forward in my life and many of my friends were still standing in the shadow of high school. Most were going to a local community college and by the time I had finished my sophomore year at TU most of my former classmates had dropped out of community college. For many years I would run into my friends whenever I would visit my local Wal-Mart cause that�s where they were working. Now I know why my cousins are still buddies with high school classmates they all have something in common...kids. Maybe it�s my fucked up thinking...I really cant see having a kid without being married. I don't want a baby daddy, I want a husband. Parenting really should be a joint effort. I have been lucky enough to have women in my family have to raise kids single handedly...my mom being one of those women. Even though most of the single parent mom�s are doing a good job raising their kids, I know the challenge that comes with having to raise a kid by yourself. My mom even admitted to me that if she would have known that she would be a single parent, she would have never had kids. It's not an easy thing to do alone. I don�t EVER want to be forced to have to be a single parent. Which is why have this whole fear of marriage and commitment. Why is it that these young girls think that it is okay to go around sleeping with men and poping out babies that are going to be forced to grow up in unstable homes. It's not fair to the kids or to us hard working tax payers who will be forced to care for these children (i know i sound like a republican). Luckily I�m a selfish, spoiled rotten brat who wants everything for me. I have a better chance of weighing 125lbs than having a kid in the next 5 years. (and I would be damn near dead if I weighed 125lbs!) I can�t imagine going shopping and having to buy for someone else other than me. And since I can barely take care of myself aint no way in hell I�m going to add another snot-nose-money-grubbing-rugrat to the equation. What I can't explain is why all weekend long every where I went I saw pregnant women. I was so sick of seeing pregnant women that I spent my Sunday afternoon locked in my apartment where it was safe and mother-to-be-free. I know pregnancy is supposed to be this special thing and women are supposed to have this natural glow and shit like that...but when I see pregnant women all I can picture are lots of unsightly stretch marks, swollen feet, puffy cheeks, shitty diapers and additional 60lbs. Maybe one day I will view pregnancy differently. But right now, I am anti-pregnant people!! J-mac called me this weekend. He asked me if I was dating anyone out here. I told him no. He asked me if I was sure and I said yeah I�m sure. J-mac said that he had a dream that I was seeing somebody. I didn�t mention to him that I was going to have a visitor this weekend. That�s right ya�ll, Bro. A will be here on Thursday. I am really trying to swallow these nerves, but I just can�t seem to shake them. I�m looking forward to his visit but you know the what-if�s are still dancing circles in my brain. |
12:32 p.m. || September 08, 2003 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |