Neglectful.
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I have been neglectful. Work has been beyond busy and seems that will be from now thru the end of summer. See what I have to look forward too! I have been avoiding all phone calls, ignoring e-mails, and keeping to myself. Last weekend I was wallowing in self-pity because I was broke and really wanted to be anywhere but here. I spent two days hibernating in my house watching movies and sleeping. Sunday I got the call I needed to snap out of the funk I was in. I went to a BBQ at one of my [white] co-workers house. It was great. The next day I was invited to another BBQ at another [black] co-workers house. I swear both BBQ's were as different as night and day. The only thing they had in common was good ass BBQ. The [short] week has been long and busy. The only thing that has kept me mildly sane was knowing that around this time next week I will no longer be asexual. I will be leaving on Thursday to see B. It had been over a week since I talked to him last. I finally broke down and called him yesterday. We talked as I drove to the second job. I was excited about seeing him. My excitement has been replaced with nerves. He plans on introducing me to another part of his life that he usually keeps very separate. I will be meeting his friends and co-workers and other random people that he chills with. I�m nervous that people won�t look past my size to see that I am a good person with a great personality. I have been doing some crazy shopping trying to pull together nice outfits to wear. That�s my way of trying to impress people. Single black female addicted to retail When Kanye is preaching, he is preaching about me. I was trying to lose a few pounds (nothing new) before going to see him, but so far, my weight has remained the same (again, nothing new). I�m trying to think positively, but right now my brain is clouded with such a negative self-image. Of course if you ask anyone who knows me on the surface, they would think that I am such a positive person not worried about her size. But that�s my goal. I use clothes and makeup to cover all the insecurities. It�s my mask. It�s what I hide behind. I am kinda looking forward to meeting B�s friends. It�s a new step for the both of us. I have never asked to meet them before. I never really cared. But I am thrilled that he actually wants me to meet them. I think it�s a step in the right direction...I just have not figured out what that direction is. |
2:33 p.m. || June 04, 2004 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |