they say love aint easy.....
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I wish I could say that my relationship with Mr. Man was perfect. I wish I could say that everyday we have weekends like the last one in which we celebrate (his birthday was Saturday) and enjoy the company of each other and those around us. Most days Mr. Man and I see each other in passing. It�s hard to have a little time in which it is just the two of us. No kid running around begging for attention, no co-workers, friends and clients calling at odd hours of the night, no distraction of the TV. Just us. I forced the us time last Thursday night. I knew it would be the only time over the next three days that it would just be me and him. I turned the TV off and turned on Kem. We had a very profound talk. A talk that allowed us to discuss what has been on our hearts without leading to an argument. A talk that made me feel good after I expressed (for the umpteenth time) that his home will never be my home and I may need to find a new home until we can settle on a life together, forever. We agreed that we would reexamine our feelings again in January. At that time we will decide for sure if me moving out will be the best thing for our relationship. After last night, I am not so sure I can make it to January. Like all relationships, Mr. Man and I have our ups and downs. However, during heated arguments, I try to stay cool; keep my composure and wit�s. After all, one of has too. I try to make it as hard as possible to argue with me. I�m not sure if staying calm helps the situation or just makes him more frustrated because I am not yelling back. I just truly hate to argue and avoid it at all costs. But Mr. Man does not argue fairly. He says things that make me feel about the size of a pea. Words that cut into my heart. Words that hugs and a sorry does not always fix. No matter how many times Mr. Man says he is over his wife and their relationship, I don�t believe him. I believe that he is no longer in love with her, but I don�t believe that he has accepted the end of the relationship completely. Although he has no solid proof that his wife had an affair, he believes with all his heart that she did. Because the ex-wife has never admitted to adultery and denies it ever being a factor in the end of their marriage, Mr. Man feels he cannot get over the hurt until he gets an admission of an affair from the ex. My question is what will happen if he never gets an apology or an admission of guilt from his ex? How will he flourish in new relationships if he is harboring hurt and guilt (guilt of a failed marriage) from what happened years ago? In the mean time, parts of our relationship suffer from his assumptions that I will make the same choice his wife made (assuming that she did in fact have an affair). Everything wrong in our relationship he compares to past relationships, past partners, past behaviors. I try to make him focus on his current relationship, his current partner, his current behaviors. What happened in the past has little to do with me. And a lot to do with him. I am not his ex wife. I am not his ex girlfriend. In fact, those other women and I have very little in common in terms of personality. Mr. Man has admitted that he used to have a really bad temper. He admits that he tries to make others feel his hurt. For the past two years he has been seeing a therapist regarding these issues and others that have made him a better person. Occasionally, he resorts to the old Mr. Man. Yet he will forget that the old Mr. Man, the one that neglected his wife and had a bad temper was the one that caused his wife to take comfort in the soothing words of another man. The old Mr. Man played a huge role in the end of a marriage. The old Mr. Man played a part in the break up of a two-year relationship. The old Mr. Man will be the cause of yet another failed relationship unless the new Mr. Man, who is caring, loving, thoughtful, attentive and fun to be with, gives the old Mr. Man the permanent boot. |
9:52 a.m. || October 25, 2005 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |