A really good friend lost....
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I don�t know that I am really to ready address the fact that this �thing� me and Bro. A had is almost completely over. Maybe next week I will be ready to actually come to grips with what�s happening and update about it then. It�s official; J-mac will be her next month. I bought his plane ticket (with his credit card of course) yesterday afternoon. I�m excited to have him finally come visit me for a change. When I told my mom that her �future son-n-law� is coming for a visit I think she got more excited than me. I was in a kinda depressive-I-need-to-talk-to-somebody-who-will-make-me-feel-better-mood yesterday afternoon. So I called one of my old roomates from TU. I had not talked to CC in a while�actually I had not talked to her since I moved back home some 9 months ago. I know she called me when I first moved back to congratulate me on finishing up my masters but I never called her back. I was going thru some things at the beginning of the year when I was unable to find a job and I didn�t keep in contact with a lot of my friends because I was sooo embarrassed and ashamed that someone who had her master degree and supposedly had her shit going on was back living at home and with no job. Anyways..I called CC and instantly she was so happy to finally hear from me. We talked for more than an hour and by the time I got off the phone with her my sour mood was gone. I felt so good that I didn�t bother calling Bro. A to finish our conversation like I had promised. The last thing I wanted was for that sour mood to return. After talking to CC I realized that I really need to call Nene. Me and Nene instantly became best friends during our freshman year at TU. We shared the same major, had many of the same classes, were both from the west coast (she�s from Seattle), and just had countless things in common. During our Sophmore year we were roommates. We spent countless nights staying up talking, sharing secrets and making late night runs to the vending machine for a pepsi. CC and Rita were also roommates and the four of us often spent hours neglecting our homework but catching up on the campus gossip together. The four of us were virtually inseparable. You were sure to always see CC and Rita together and me and Nene together. During our Junior and Senior year CC, Nene, Rita and I got a house off campus together. Our friendship became even tighter. We were the fearsome four and could always be seen around campus together. If even one person from the group of four was missing every one wanted to know where the missing person was. We were just all so tight like that. Of course we had our moments living together where we got on each other nerves�but there was never a fight and we left that house as friends. Nene and I both got accepted into UM so naturally we went to Ann Arbor together and were roommates again. However, something happened within those first two months that where in Michigan that put a huge strain on our friendship. I would tell you what it was�but to this day I have no idea what happened. We were such best friends for four years. I knew just bout everything about Nene and she knew all bout my skeletons too. We have never been in a fight or argument and stayed mad at each other for more than a day. Now all of a sudden we could barely speak to each other and we lived in the same house. My first semester living in that house was absolutely miserable. I used to dread going home because I knew Nene would be there. I got very little sleep because I would stay up racking my brain trying to figure out what I had did to her that caused her to all of a sudden not want to be around me or even talk to me. There were no more late night gossip sessions, no more juicy secrets shared, there was barely a hello when one of us walked in the room. It was all just too much for me and for Nene too. We eventually sat down to work something out. I�m not sure if the talk helped or not because nothing really changed. I knew there was no way I could live with Nene anymore. I guess she felt the same way because during our second semester she told me that at the end of the school year she was moving out to get her own place. I was sad that we could not work things out but relieved because I had wanted to tell her that I was planning on moving too. I thought that the separation would reignite our friendship. I was hoping that all we needed was just a little time apart. My hope was just that�a hope. Nothing changed at all. We would speak when we saw each other and we went back to TU�s homecoming together but after that things were right back to the way they were. It�s been almost 2 years since our friendship began to fizzle and I still think about it as if it just happened yesterday. It�s one of those things that I constantly wonder �what could I have done differently�. Nene told me that we just �grew apart�. I choose to disagree�people who cared about each other as much as we did don�t just grow apart. I have my suspicions as to the sudden separation but I will keep them to myself. I really don�t want to believe that my suspicions are true because I just can�t imagine Nene being that type of person. What�s harder is that I think that CC and Rita know what happened between me and Nene. I�m sure Nene told them although they have never said anything to me. And since I was always deemed the �bully� of the house cause I spoke my mind and didn�t put up with much shit�I�m sure that CC and Rita think that me and Nene friendship ending was all my fault. I have not bothered to find out if Nene indeed said something to them about the whole situation because I am really just trying to put the whole situation behind me. But Nene always comes up when I talk to CC or Rita. They wanna how she is doing and if I talked to her. I have not talked to Nene since I left MI. She e-mailed me back in February and of course I replied. I was hoping that would be the jumping off point for us to keep in contact again. But since I sent that last e-mail back to her I have not heard from her again. But I know she is still e-mailing away to our other friends. I always end up getting the forwards she sends to others and I know that she was the one who sent out the original e-mail. It makes me feel bad that she purposely leaves me out of the e-mails and I wonder why I am not even worthy of a crappy forward. I�m thinking maybe I should just send Nene an e-mail just to see how things are going. I heard through the grapevine that when she finished grad school in May that she moved back to Seattle. I hate this stubbornness in me. I just feel like she has not bothered to see how I�m doing so why should I bother to see how she is doing. I know it�s a shitty attitude to have, especially if we are both thinking like that. The bad part is Nene birthday just passed and this is the first time in the 5-6 years we have been friends that I have not gotten her a card and we did not celebrate it together. I wanted to at least send her an e-card�but this awful thing called pride got in the way. I truly miss my friend and desperately crave that friendship we shared back in my life. I just don�t know how to get it. Aww shit�I think bout to cry. |
3:50 p.m. || September 26, 2003 |
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