I got the cure for a restless night.
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For some very odd reason, I have been having trouble sleeping. I should be butt ass tired by the time I get home at 10:45pm. After all, I work from 8:30-5:00. Then fight traffic for 30 minutes to go to another job. Then I work from 5:30-10:30. By the time I get home I am wore out. Most nights I am barely able to even stand up to take a much-needed hot shower. But a sista�s gotta do what a sista�s gotta do cause a sista always got bills due. So why am I having trouble sleeping?? Last night I woke up around 3:00am. I lay in the bed trying to get comfortable for 3 hours. I have a terribly tight muscle in my left shoulder and neck from my crappy piece of shit of a cubicle that I am forced to sit at for 8 hours. Going to another job and sitting in front of the computer for another 5 hours doesn�t help much either. I have complained about the ergonomics of my desk, but of course nothing has been done. Just wait, if this knot in my shoulder does not get better, I�m bought to throw workers comp claim there way for not fixing my shit. But back to da story�. I watched Nick-at-Nite re-runs for about 2 hours and set the sleep timer on my T.V. to go off every thirty minutes,hoping in that time I would have fallen asleep. I eventually looked at the clock and it was already 4:30 am. Suddenly I get this urge to talk to J-mac. We have been missing each other�s phone calls since I started this new job. I swear, whenever I start thinking about him in the middle night, within 10 minutes he calls me. Is that shit crazy or what? I know it may sound absurd but I swear to you it happens every single time. I guess the connection that J-mac and me have is stronger than I thought. Last night as I lay in bed thinking about J-mac and the x-mas gift I�m going to give him, my phone rings and of course it�s my sweetie. I got crazy excited. J-mac was wondering why I sounded wide-awake at 4:46 am. He thought I had some other dude over and was making love to him. Had that been the case, do you really think I would have answered the phone??? Um, no, I think not. But anyways, we talked for a good 45 minutes while he was getting dressed for work, on his ride to work and another 5 minutes while he was sitting in the parking lot at work. We talked about everything from politics, to sex and even the heartbreak he has caused me in the past, which I have been keeping hidden from him. I finally admitted that I am scared to death because I am so in love with him and I can�t control these feeling anymore. J-mac says that he will never hurt me like that again. I just smirk and say �yeah right�. I wish it was that easy. J-mac thinks I poisoned him when he was out here. He has been in love with me for awhile (or so he says) but now the feelings have intensified. Since his visit I am all he can think of. (Yeah me!) So he blames my cooking on the new stronger more intense feelings. We talked a lot about love and marriage too. And that makes me nervous. Of course, I am still at a loss as to what to do about our situation. I literally take it day by day. I�m almost waiting for him to tell me that he got back with his ex and that they are going to get married. At least then I will know that I will have no other choice but to move on. Right now I don�t know what to do. Do I move to be closer to him and so that we can give a �real� relationship a try or do I stay where I�m and hope that the distance does not create and even bigger barrier?? What�s a girl to do? I lied to J-mac last night. He is always asking me if I�m dating anyone here and if I�m having sex with anyone else. I told him no. I feel guilty. But I already know what his reaction would have been if I told him the truth. He says he would not get mad but I know him better then he knows himself. His reaction would have ruined my already restless night. This is the first year we agreed to exchange Christmas presents. I told him don�t worry about getting me anything (I originally asked for some diamond studs). I would much rather he save the money so that we can meet in Vegas in February. But I am still going to send him something a little special and from my heart. I will let you all know the details once I finish my lil� creation. As usual, as soon as I got off the phone with J-mac, I went right to sleep and slept right thru the rest of the night/morning. Maybe that's the secret remedy for my restlessnes, a lil J-mac love. Since I�m tired as all hell, starving, and trying to recover from a mini crisis at work and I still have some shopping for co-workers to do before tomorrow, I decide I�m not going to the second job today. I�m going shopping and going home to rest. I got more good news but I think I will save that for tomorrow. |
2:56 p.m. || December 18, 2003 |
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