what about me?
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I have been so self-absorbed and selfish that I forget�or rather push others to the side. I have not forgotten about my Aunt. I just choose to ignore the fact that she has cancer, that the chemo is not shrinking the tumors, that she began a new form of chemo therapy that she had a severe allergic reaction which caused her nose and throat to swell up so bad that she could hardly breathe and spent a week in the hospital. It is much easier to ignore then to deal with and accept what my aunt is going through. But like I said, that is selfish of me. My aunt has ALWAYS been supportive of me. And now I choose to ignore her, not because I don�t love her but I am just so scared of losing her. I suppose in my warped mind, pushing her to the side now will make the blow that much easier if she doesn�t beat the cancer. So, like Mia, I don�t talk about my aunt. I am living my life as though all is well. Thinking about my aunt hurts which is why I am finishing this entry today instead of completing it yesterday morning when I started it. Mr. Man knows I have an aunt with cancer but he has no idea about her recent weeklong hospital stay. None of my friends know. I too keep my co-workers at bay. My Mom calls to give me updates about my aunt at least once a week. She always ends the conversation with �You need to call R because she always asks how you are doing and we have to keep her spirits up�. I always follow up with, �I know Mom, and I will call her�. It�s hard making that phone call. I have to be in the right mood to do so otherwise the conversation can end with me feeling like shit and wanting to comfort myself in food or retail therapy (never really realized before how often I do that). But it�s not about me, right? Lately I have not been in good spirits, which leads me to what should be a whole other entry�������. The Vegas trip that I worked so feverishly on planning, ensuring that Mr. Man scheduling accommodations were met and that the trip was financially affordable for the both of us, has been completely abolished. My time, my money, my sanity is being replaced by Mr. Man�s sister who is coming for a visit the same weekend we were supposed to go to Vegas. I suppose once again I am being selfish. My selfish brains is thinking Mr. Man just saw his sister during Easter, again when he went to LA for his Nieces funeral and over Memorial Day weekend and my poor brain just does not understand why our nearly paid for vacation plans has to be cancelled because after two years she has finally decided to come for a visit the same weekend we had plans. Of course, she probably has no idea that plans were made for that weekend because Mr. Man is horrible at writing things down and remembering certain things which is why he gave the okay for his sister to visit that particular weekend instead of checking to ensure that there were no previous plans. Instead of asking her to come a different weekend, he makes the excuse that she is a busy women and is traveling with two kids. AND your point is???? I have been in an unhappy funk the last three days. I have been moping and disinterested in talking to Mr. Man in great detail. There are other things that have lead up to this new attitude that has been aimed at Mr. Man, but I rather not discuss them at this time. I am trying to snap out of the mood. Mr. Man says I should just get over it; there will be more chances to take vacations together soon (so he says). Maybe he does not realize that the last semi break I had was in February when I went to LA as much fun as I had, spending a weekend in LA did not feel like much of a vacation. Of course after all that planning, I have to now go and un-plan�.cancel hotel reservations, cancel airline tickets (and beg for an extension) and now be miserable at work because I no longer have a vacation or break to look forward to. If Nick aint down for the Canyon, I sure the hell am� |
11:46 a.m. || July 20, 2005 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |