fourteen days later......
|
I know my updates have been very sporadic lately. I�m having a hard time putting together thoughts in my head that do not have to do with Mr. Man. You see, I have this thing were I have convinced myself (and those around me) that I am a independent women who does not need a man to validate her existence. I still believe that to be true. I avoid updating because most of my updates have to do with Mr. Man. I guess I am so scared of other people�s perception of me and my relationship that I avoid giving them something to talk about. That last thing I want to hear is "damn, all she talks about is Mr. Man. Doesn�t she have anything else of substance going on in her life or does her world just revolve around a man?" I have had friends whose lives revolved around their men. I have been known to secretly accuse them of not having a life outside of their men. So, for the record, I have a life. It just now includes Mr. Man. And sometimes, it�s hard to purposely leave him out because often the things I do include him. As a favor to a friend, who asked: WHEN DO WE GET TO HEAR ALL THE NEWS ABOUT LIVING WITH A BOYFRIEND?!!! I am so curious as to how this works...and what's it like...and what do you do when you need privacy? And how is it being like...a REAL REAL adult now. Like a real adult? You are like so grown up and a million miles away from where the rest of us kiddies are. Please do tell! I will share a few details. Living with a man�my boyfriend is different. For the last 2 and half years I have lived alone (minus the 4 months last year I live with Stac and Joe Boxer). I was used to being alone and caring for me. I valued my space and my privacy. Now I have a small section of the room that holds my stuff. My privacy is about as sporadic as my updates. It took a while to get used to just stripping down but necked (with the lights on) to get in the shower. It took some time to get used to going to the bathroom with him around to smell my funk. And farting�.I�m still working on that one. He�s comfy let his gas go, I on the other hand am not so comfortable being un lady like�. however I had to prove a point a few weeks ago and remind him that I am a human first, a lady second. Most Sundays, are used as my alone time. Mr. Man plays basketball in the morning then goes to church. I stay home, go for walks around the neighborhood, read the paper, watch lifetime and Oxygen and sip on tea. Occasionally I treat myself to the movies. I value those mornings to myself. Surprisingly, I don�t feel as adultish as I did when I lived alone. Mr. Man pays all the bills around the house and I rely on him to ensure that certain household necessities are taken care of�. reminds me a lot of a child/parent relationship�.I�m the child, he�s the parent. Until we do something wickedly wild like get a joint checking account, I may continue to feel like a dependent. It�s even weirder telling people I live with my b/f. Too many questions and raised eyebrows follow. I thought it was too funny when my other mother (my sister�s Mom) decided to share her un-approving opinion of men and women living together before marriage. I allowed her to tell me that SHE thought it was wrong. Oh how badly I wanted to remind her that she has four children by 3 different men and that obviously she was not a marital expert considering she was on her third marriage to a man that lives in Reno, NV, and who she has never, ever lived with and who she sees once in a great while. Or better yet, she has a 22 year old daughter who lives at home and who is now pregnant�not married, just pregnant. That would have been a nice slap of reality to her face. But I respect my elders and I love my other Mother (just extremely grateful that she is not my Mom). I guess you have to understand the amount of pressure I feel to be a positive role model for the young girls around me. You do a few good things and suddenly people expect you to play by a certain set of rules and follow societal expectations of young women. It�s hard doing the right thing all the time. Even harder knowing what the right thing is. I suppose I am just trying to live my life the way I want to live it. If I make a mistake, I will just have to learn from the mistake and hope not to repeat it.
I realized that in just two week, I would have been in my current position for a year. Last week was a bad week. I just absolutely did not want to be at work. I called in sick two days and left work early on two days. And spent what little time I was at work looking for a new job. I still enjoy my job although I would like more of a challenge. It�s the pay and the very normal working hours that are killing me. What are normal working hours you ask??? The everyday 8-5. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I am not a morning person at all. It�s hard to wake up to an alarm clock everyday. Hard to commute to work in traffic everyday. Hard to sit at a desk and not move all day. Hard to accept the fact that an increase in pay is far, far away. This week is a slight improvement over last week. I am working on my yearly evaluation and I realized that in just a year, I have done a lot and traveled quite a bit with this job. For some odd reason, I feel some loyalty to my co-workers. I feel like I can�t leave them and I don�t want to leave them. It�s rare to find such a great group of women that can work harmoniously with absolutely NO PROBLEMS! However much I enjoy my job, I still don�t feel like it has lived up to my expectations. I suppose one of the reasons I enjoy the job is because it is easy�at the same time�that is the exact same reason I don�t enjoy it. I am looking for more challenge and an opportunity to improve upon my skills. Each week I go back and forth on what I want to do. To stay, or not to stay. I am trying hard to not let the mediocre pay check get to me. But with the housing prices (and gas prices) growing faster then my check, I may be in a renter position for a long time and that is just not acceptable for me. Now that�s an update for ya! |
12:58 p.m. || August 25, 2005 |
Navigate
|
current |
THE GIRL
|
.... |
LAST 5
|
Moving day - October 08, 2007 |