100 episodes of my life and counting....
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Happy 100th (well now 101) to me. 100 episodes of my life and there is plenty more to come. So stay tuned!! Next season is sure to better than the first. But let�s go ahead and end the first season right. Per Her request, I�m going to go ahead and divulge in my weekend with J-mac. Bare with me, this may be long.... I can�t tell you how many times over the past two weeks I tried to type up an entry that truly explains how my weekend with J-mac went. I have at least 3 entries that I have started but not completed because I really don�t know how to explain what I am feeling for that boy. I feel like I have entered uncharted territory and I�m lost at sea. I�m just floating by hoping that somewhere in all this jumbled mess will be something that I recognize. I am way beyond liking J-mac. I�m in love with him and that scares the fucking shit out of me. Even when I�m mad at him, I need him, I crave him. He makes me so unbelievable happy but at the same time I wonder could I really be with this man for the rest of my life. J-mac�s visit was good. We had our little fight once. It was over the fucking Kings game. Of course he was pissed that I spent so much of his money on crappy seats. I didn�t tell him where we were sitting until we got to the game because I knew he would be mad. Because I didn�t tell him, he thought I lied to him about the seats. After he got an attitude, so did I. Watching him sit there with this disgusted look on his face completely blew my happy high. After he said a few unnecessary remarks, I got up and left my seat. I walked directly to an ATM machine took out $100 dollars and went back to my seat and gave him the money. I figured once he had the money he spent for the tickets he could no longer bitch about how much the tickets cost. I guess what made me mad was that I could care less where we were sitting, I was just happy to be with him and I wanted him to feel the same way. It was not until halftime that I actually spoke to him. By then I was calm enough to say what I had to say without causing a scene. When we started talking we some how got on the subject of sex. He mentioned something about me not giving him some whenever he wants it. And I responded by saying well if you didn�t want it so damn much it would not be a problem. J-mac goes on to say that he doesn�t have to have it all the time. But hell, I can�t tell. When he is around I can�t even take off my shirt cause immediately his dick gets hard and he is ready for some action. The boy gets excited watching me sit in front of the mirror doing my hair. And as soon as I get my hair just right he is ready to spread my ass out over the bed and get busy. In the midst of us arguing back and forth about his sexual needs, he tried to tell me that he doesn�t need it all the time and that he could sleep in the same bed with me without having sex. My response: yeah fucking right. So he decided to prove it to me. Later that night I took a shower and put on the cutest black lace panties and camisole and climbed into bed. I purposely poked my ass in his direction. He lifted up the covers and said �Nice ass� then he rolled his ass over and was on his way to sleep. Of course there was no way I was going to let him prove me wrong. So I started touchy, rubbing and stroking hoping to change his mind and make him give in to his urges. After 5.5 years, I know what to do to get J-mac going. I did it all only to have him tell ME stop and that he was not in the mood. I have never, ever had a man tell me NO! Yeah my ego was hurt. So hurt I got up and went in the living room to watch TV. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and spent the rest of the night there. The next morning I was an emotional mess. I was mad and hurt and was not in the mood to fix him breakfast even though I promised I would. I eventually got up to make us breakfast (after going in the bathroom and crying for at least 10 minutes). J-mac knew something was wrong. He walked in the kitchen, put his arms around me and at that moment the tears just came flooding from my eyes. I couldn�t even tell him what was wrong cause I had no idea. I just could not stop crying. He just held me until I calmed down. J-mac made me look him in his eyes. We just starred at each other for a few seconds not saying a word. Then he said � I know and I feel the same way�. That�s when I knew I was in love with him. The emotions that I felt were so overwhelming; all I could do was cry. But I wasn�t crying cause I was sad or mad anymore. I was happy. Naturally when love hits, you start planning your future with the person your in love with Over the past few months that we have grown closer I actually began thinking about�dare I say it...MARRIAGE!!! For so long the "M" word was one that did not escape my mouth. If someone dared mention me and marriage in the same sentence I got offended. I will admit that my biggest fear is getting married. I have seen so many strong, wonderful women in my life have there hearts ripped to shreds by the men that they whole heartedly loved and trusted and believed they could spend the rest of their lives with. These same men promised that they would stick by their wife�s for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do them apart, but the minute some new pussy gets thrown their direction they seem to forget the vows they made before God. So you see why I�m scared. My biggest fear is having a marriage that fails, being forced to be a single parent, and having a man I love, walk away with my heart. But my second biggest fear is spending the rest of my life alone. For years I said I was never getting married. I didn�t trust men. A few men in my family that I loved and trusted and looked up to proved to be deceitful and untrustworthy, my Dad being the main one. J-mac has mentioned to me on more than one occasion that he is ready to get married. Although I have allowed the thought of marriage entertain my brain, I�m not prepared for that huge step and I don�t think I will be for a few more years. Now I�m even more confused than I was before. I don�t want to be in a long distance relationship. But I want to be with J-mac. I don�t want him to find some chick in MI who is ready to get married too and start popping out little J-mac Jr.�s. I want to be the one eventually popping out the little rug rats (oh Lawd, I must be in love). I just don�t know what to do anymore. I�m even willing to pick up my church roots in hopes of growing closer to him. I�m willing to do almost anything to make things work between us and I don�t typically conform or make adjustments to my personality to make people want or like me. But for him, I will...okay to an extent. I refuse to move back to MI for him. Although if he asked me and was serious, I would really consider it if he could promise we would not be there for more than a year (yeah, this has to be love, I�m actually thinking of living in bitch ass cold Michigan for him). Even though I am crazy about J-mac, I can�t help but to want to move on. I guess I�m scared that the distance between us is going to prove to be too much and that he will eventually find someone new, after all it happened before. I feel like I should be allowed to date other people and see what else is out there but I still feel some loyalty to J-mac. I don�t want him dating other people although I would not object. I can�t expect him to sit and wait and hope that things will work out between us. I�m trying to be realistic...or maybe I�m really just trying to keep from getting my heart broken�again. |
3:43 p.m. || November 14, 2003 |
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