Shook up
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Note: This is a very long entry. It�s not intended for those with short attention spans. I simply wrote this for my own personal use, you are just lucky enough to get a chance to read what�s really going on in my head. I�m not usually a nosey person�. Okay I�m lying. Give me the opportunity to snoop, and I probably will. But I cut all that shit out a few years ago when the tables were turned and Crazy E went through me cell phone, wrote down J-mac�s home number and work number and then proceeded to call him and inquire the nature of our relationship (see why I call him CRAZY). The fact that E didn�t trust me when I had been completely faithful throughout our entire relationship hurt more than breaking up with him did. Ever since then I attempt to believe people until they give me a good ass reason why I should not have faith in their word. Last Saturday after I picked B up from the airport and we were making our way through SF, the topic of dating came up. He insists that I have hoards of men around me begging for my attention (apparently he is living in my fantasy world). If only he knew that I am settling for any attention from the opposite sex since I can�t get the attention that I rightfully deserve. After trying to convince B that the hoards of men that beg for my attention exists only in my dreams, I turned the question around on him. He mentioned that he was kinda dating a girl from his hometown. But the way he put it, it seemed like the girl was very insignificant and nobody terribly special. It�s quite possible I read a little too much in the description of their relationship, but honestly I didn�t think there was any seriousness to him and her. The consequence was I let my guard down. Not completely, but enough. Friday, I can�t even begin to describe my excitement driving to Oakland. I was in such a daze that more than once I snapped out of my trance to pay attention long enough to see that I was going close to 100mph. I decided to take a different rout to the bay to avoid some traffic and did a fairly good job until I was about 13 miles from B�s hotel. I went into a driving rage at that time cause I was so anxious to see him. I finally make it to the hotel and waiting for me was a small bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear and some balloons. It wasn�t much, but it meant so much more to me. B decides he want to take the BART to SF and ride the cable cars around the city and grab dinner there. Sounds like a romantic night in the city to me so of course I was game. While B was in the bathroom prepping himself, he asked me to look up the BART times and info on the cable cars. I go to his computer and I see he is already connected to the internet. I went to his recently visited sites to pull up yahoo. I accidentally clicked on his yahoo mail instead of just the yahoo homepage. The first thing I see is a e-mail from some chick. Then I notice there are a few e-mails from the same girl. And some of the e-mails say �hey baby� in the subject line. My heart drops a bit. And before I go any further I ask him who the girl is. He hurry�s over to the computer and tells me that he was waiting from an e-mail from the girl because she is helping his mom out with some project (which is true since I heard him on the phone with the girl and his mom when I first waked into the hotel room). B opens up the e-mail (with me sitting right there) and he tries to scroll pass the introduction, which I catch, and it starts off �hey Baby� then I caught the end of the e-mail which reads �I love You�. I didn�t say anything. I let him finish doing what he was doing with the e-mail. Maybe it was my reaction (which was nothing) that clued him in to my obvious disapproval. He kept asking me what was wrong. When I replied nothing, he knew it was not true. I tried to convince him that I was fine, that I was not bothered by what I saw, that I really was ok. But my voice, my face, my reaction said so much more. I had a hard time even convincing myself that I was ok. I was sooo not ok. I was hurt. I felt like I had been misled. I wanted to cry. B went back to the bathroom to finish shaving and taking a shower, while he was in the bathroom, I could hear him on his cell phone talking to the girl. I looked through some of the e-mails that ol� girl has been sending him. I tried to look at his sent mail, but he was smart enough not to save his outgoing messages. It was wrong, I know. But I had to know what was going on. After reading about 3 e-mails, I grabbed my purse and left the room. I hopped in my car and just started driving. I ended up at the car wash and used that time to clean and vacuum my car. I waited for B to call me and ask my whereabouts but he didn�t. After about 45 mins. I went back to the hotel. My key to the room suddenly was not working, so I had to knock on the door and wait for B to let me in. When B opened the door, I almost fell to my knees. The Giorgio Armani cologne that escaped the room was intoxicating (didn�t I tell you one of my weaknesses was a good smelling man?). I took one look at the beautiful person in front of me and it was like Niagara falls let loose in my undies. B usually dresses up when we go out. But he had out done himself this time in the slacks, and fitted black shirt that showed off the broad shoulders and muscular arms. The boy looked GOOD! Nearly five minutes passed before either one of spoke a word. All I could think about was what was supposed to be a perfect night was ruined. I don�t know who started the conversation (probably B since I was in stubborn mod) but we eventually talked. I told B how I felt about what I saw and how felt like he was not completely honest in telling about the relationship with the girl. He insist he was honest and that he is kinda dating the girl from his hometown and that the dynamics of their relationship are one sided. In other words, she likes him way more then he likes her. He spent a good 20 mins. or so trying to convince me of this. I acted like I was convinced. I tried really hard not to cry. I kept looking everywhere but at B. He kept insisting I turn and look at him. I just couldn�t. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I could feel the knot in my throat getting bigger and bigger. He finally turned my head to face him and the control that I was exhibiting quickly dissipated. He thinks my erratic emotions are cute. He figures someone in the relationship has to be emotional since he is not. My erratic emotions make me sick. Remember, I am one of those people that hate feeling weak, out of control and emotional. I try to think with my head and not with my heart. But I really think that the heart is the most powerful organ in the body and thus it wins almost every time. We eventually made up, sort of. The night did not go how either of us had hoped it would. We still went out to dinner. But not in SF. Saturday when I took him to the airport we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed some more. On lookers may have thought we were never going to see each other again. For a long time we just held each other. Then he grabbed the last of his stuff out of my car, gave me another kiss, closed the car door and walked away. The drive home was a time for reflection for me. The week was wonderful (minus Friday night). I tried to focus on all the good stuff. I got about half way home when I realized that I left something in Oakland. I remember having the balloons and flowers B gave me in my hand when I left the hotel room, but I forgot to pick them back up off the front counter when I went to grab a bottle of water. I was looking forward to having them in my house to remind me of a fantastic week I had. Now, someone else gets to enjoy my flowers, my ballons and my bear. I can�t help but think that somehow the small gift I left in Oakland is symbolic. Maybe I left more than my flowers in Oakland. |
2:18 p.m. || March 15, 2004 |
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