emotional roller coaster.............
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I'm on a emotional rollercoaster. First let me start by saying I like the new template�.I still gotta change the pic. But until I find one better�.it�s gonna stay up. The biggest difference with this template compared to the last two I have had is that this one does not have a black background (did ya notice?) I wanted a template that was simpler and with a little more color. I think it�s the mood I�m in now. Not as depressed as I was a few months back (now that I finally have a job!). Things are starting to look better now-a-days�.well certain things. The luv life is still in shambles. Back to the orginal entry����.. I am seriously tempted not to write this entry because I know Bro. A will likely read it. But it�s something that has been on my mind and I gotta let it out. Besides I don�t want my girl macdiva to feel alone on this emotional rollercoaster. J-mac called on Monday�twice. The first convo was just the hi how ya doin sorta thing. The second convo was little bit more interesting. I was on my way out the door to go to the gym when he called the house. My Mom answered the phone and started talking to him first. My mom absolutely adores J-mac. She even calls him her son-in-law (yea, so she really aint helping the situation). When they get on the phone and they can yap for days. I told my mom to have j-mac call me on my cell phone when she was done talking to him. When j-mac calls�.the first thing out his mouth is �I love you�. No hi, how ya doin�.just �I love you�. The whole convo that night was how much he misses me, how much he wishes he can be with me, how I have stood by him over the years patiently waiting for my turn, how well we vibe together, what a good woman I am�.I could go on, but I think you get the point. I really hate it when it when he talks like that�.but at the same time I love it. I love knowing he loves me. But I hate knowing that we cant be/are not together. What�s scarier is the thought of giving a relationship a try and having it fail. As badly as I wanna be with him, I know j-mac. I know he has cheated on g/f in the past�.cause half the time he was cheatin with me. As much as I wanna believe him when he says he wont cheat on me�I don�t. But I still can�t get the thought of wanting to give our relationship a try out of my head or my heart. J-mac wants to see me. But he knows I�m not making that trip back to MI no more. I made that clear when I left. I�m done traveling to see him. If he wants to see me he will be doing the traveling. He has been beggin me for a couple of weeks to get me to go to our undergrads homecoming, he has offered to pay for my plane ticket and he wants me to stay with him in the hotel. But I don�t want to go to homecoming this year, mainly cause I want to go to Las Vegas for my birthday. Then he mentions that since he knows that I�m not gonna go to homecoming that he has been looking into plan tickets to Vegas. GRRRR�.why is he playin with me like this. I don�t know what to do. I desperately want to leave j-mac alone. Hell I been wanting to do that for years. I did a good job when I was with E. But as soon as we broke up, I reached for my j-mac crutch and he does a good job of holdin me up and not letting go. Although with the news of the marriage proposal, caused me to fall�and I fell hard. But now that is over (hip hip horray) he has that hold on me again. Vivian said it best in her song:
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12:47 p.m. || July 23, 2003 |
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