Life's little lessons
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My first semester in college was by far my hardest. I was 17 going on 18 and 3000 miles from home without a family member or friend in sight. For two weeks, I cried every time I talked to my Mom on the phone. I complained about how much I hated the little country bumpkin town I was in. I craved my car, a mall, and a real restaurant other than the local hangout called the Chicken Coop. I would have even settled for a bus to get me out of that town and back to what most of us consider civilization. But I had none of that. My Mom who does not always have a way of words, tried to comfort me. Her comfort ended up being a bribe that included me staying in school through the first year and with a promise that I would return with a car. I stayed. I got my car. In the meantime, I was still having trouble just getting myself adjusted to college life. I had a biology class and lab that was kicking my ass. I had a math class that required more of my attention than I really had to give. On top of that, the food in the cafeteria sucked, the administration at school was a piece of crap and I had to share a bathroom with 30 other women. I wanted my house, my bed and the bathroom that I shared with only my brother. One of the few things that first year that got me through was the weekly care packages that I got from my Mom. Most of them included home made cookies for me and my friends, books, magazines, anything to keep me warm in the freezing cold dorms, lots of late night snacks and other knick knacks she thought I would enjoy. In one of those packages, she included the Acts of Faith book. It was a book of daily motivations. I cannot tell you how many times I opened that book and found exactly what I needed to get me through that particular day. My friends and I made a habit to read it daily. A few weeks ago, Mr. Man and I were laying in bed talking (we seem to have our best chat sessions in bed) and he a happened to mention one of my favorite affirmations from the Acts of Faith book. One of my favorite daily affirmations was the July 17 entry, which discussed the many reasons that a particular person may come into your life. The idea suggested that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and when you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like they are Goddess sent, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on. When Mr. Man quoted the affirmation, I nearly jumped out of my skin. It�s not often you meet a man who is able to quote such things let alone allow their life to be guided by them. I was so excited and wanted to run and grab my book to show him that my worn Acts of Faith is book marked for July 17 and almost always will automatically open to that page. I used to keep my precious book on my nightstand but now I keep it at work because I have found myself needing it most often there. I was unable to show him at that time my favorite passage since it was safely tucked away in my desk drawer at work between my �need to be paid� bills. Each time I read the passage, it has more and more meaning to me. My relationships with the people in my life are constantly changing. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes in not so good ways. To this day, I have not regretted meeting some of those people who played important roles in my life. I have learned a lesson from them all and I am grateful for the learning experience. Of course, sometimes I wish I could have changed the outcomes and some of the hurt and heartache, but if I did, then those particularly people would not have served their true purpose in my life. I realize that we all deal with disappointments from people that we let into our lives. Sometimes it is hard to move away from even those we love but whom hurt us the most. Those same people we assumed would be the lifetimers soon become our �back in the day� memories. For whatever reason, there is an end to the relationship. I am seeing an end with J-mac. I have been seeing an end just needed that extra push to get me to shut the door�end the journey and close that chapter in my life. J-mac has indeed served a significant purpose in my life. He came into my life at a time that I needed him most. After my first summer home from college, I gained a few pounds. My then boyfriend seemed to have a problem with it when we returned that fall. It didn�t take more than a few weeks into the new semester before we broke. I suspected it was because of the 8 lbs I gained over the summer. He would never admit it but he managed to tell a friend of mine that I had gotten fat over the summer and that friend passed the message along to me. I met J-mac soon after the break up and he made me feel like I could weigh 250 lbs and it would not matter because I was still beautiful. He loved my body off and on for 7 years. He looked past the weight gain, the haircuts and the often �made-up� face. He saw me. He loved me. He knew I was self-conscious of certain parts of my body and those were the areas that he showed extra love and attention too. I learned to love through him. It may not have been an always-healthy loving relationship, but I loved him. And I know he loved me too. Just as the door on J-mac is closing, a new one has started to open. And on the other side of that door is Mr. Man. I am able to see first hand that "the end" may not always be as bad as people make it seem. In my case, the end of one relationship may actually give me the opportunity to start something new. At times I have enjoyed the J-mac/Pearl drama filled novel that has been our relationship over the years, but I suspected it would come to end. I was scared. Assuming that once we reached an end, that would be it. The journey would stop. Then what? What would I do with out him? He has been there for so long that how could he now not be? But I am coming into the realization that the journey doesn�t have to stop. There is always a new journey at the end of every chapter, at the end of every book. It�s just a matter of finding that new book to open up and read. That same theory holds true in life, when one relationship ends, another is almost always waiting in the cut. Will it be as promising as its predecessor? Only time will tell. The key is to give your all at all times, and remain grounded in truth. Learning life lessons are never easy. And if by some chance you find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again, relax, it's hard to master all of life's lessons the first time around. Mainly because the experience happens so fast. The objective however is to never give up, and never settle for less than you deserve. If you master that one principle, everything else will eventually fall into place. I am slowly learning to practice my own beliefs. It all takes time. There are a few people who inspired this entry. And there are more who will be inspired by this entry. I hope you read it. Then re-read it. More importantly, I hope it helps. |
4:46 p.m. || April 05, 2005 |
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