a lil help, please.
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I don�t even see a point in me making New Years resolutions. Two weeks into the New Year and I have already fucked up my first two resolutions. I went shopping again (your probably thinking �so, what�s new�). I have gained back 3 of the 6 lbs that I loss two weeks ago. I have not stepped foot in the gym this year and I have not bothered to even put on my sneakers other than to go to Hollywood video. During my lunch break I went to JC Penney. I saw some decent looking and cheap ski pants on their website and decided I would run by the store to see if they had them so I would not have to order them. Of course I did not see the ski pants their but that did not stop me from finding something in the store to try on. Once I got in the dressing room and looked at myself in the mirror all I could think was how disgusting I looked. I didn�t remember looking so fat when I left the house. But then again my mirror at home is not as big as the mirror in the dressing room. I have been putting off looking at the Discoveryhealth.com body challenge website that take-two suggested a few weeks ago. Actually I looked at the website briefly. But I saw something about signing up and decided that I didn�t have the energy for yet another commitment that I knew would fail. My mind has been so bombarded with weight-loss this and weight-loss that. It seems more than half of my day is spent thinking about losing weight and how I�m going to do it. I have read so much about weight loss that I should have no problem doing it, right?? So what is stopping me from making a commitment to myself, my health and my future? I guess it�s the fear of failure. I start and stop diets almost as often as I change my underwear. My favorite diet but the least successful is the starvation diet. It works really good for about 3-4 days. Then the starvation goes into overdrive and I can no longer control what goes in my mouth. Every morning I ask myself what I know Dr. Phil would ask me if I was on his show �So how�s it workin for ya??� Dr Phil, it�s not working at all! I know I have to do something and quickly. When I watch movies and TV. shows about people who purge, I seriously think about trying it. I figure I can just do it until I jump-start my body into losing weight then I will stop. My biggest fear in even trying to purge what I eat is that I will lose control and not be able to stop once I lose the weight (same reason that I will never try drugs). And I can�t stand the idea of throwing up. I tried once sticking a toothbrush down my throat to make myself throw up (saw that on TV too)�it didn�t work and after nearly gagging to death, I never tried it again. But the thought is still in the back of my mind. I have watched Dr. Phil and Oprah talk about weight loss, I have tried weight watchers, slim fast, Metabolife, Xenadrine, Hydroxycut and I own Yoga tapes, Widsor Pilates, Tae-bo, hand weights, a yoga ball and mat. I�m telling you I could probably open a mini workout studio in my living room. I have a small library of books about weight loss, healthy coking and exercising. I had a gym membership, I even signed up for fitday.com. and for one whole day, I tracked everything that went in my mouth. A day later, I realized that fitday was a fit joke. With all these tools and resources, I�m still fat. But since I have given everything else a try, I figure what�s the harm in trying one more thing. My attitude at the moment stinks and maybe now is the wrong time to think about how I�m going to accomplish this new healthy lifestyle. But then again, maybe now that I�m frustrated and pissed at my own lack self control and not taking my own health seriously, this could be the perfect time to start anew. Take-two,I signed up for the Discovery Health National Body Challenge". You give me such motivation and encouragement that I figure it was worth a try. So now I�m going to need a little help from you and Shawn and Buppie and who ever else wants to send some motivation my way. Starting is not always the hard part for me. It�s keeping the momentum going. I get frustrated and discouraged when I don�t see results or mess up and I know I�m going to need help getting over the bumps along the way. It�s not always easy asking for help. But I know that this challenge is too much for me to do all on my own. I have spent the last 10 minutes debating whether or not I should lock this entry. I hate revealing my weaknesses to people. And at this moment I feel so weak. Hopefully I will get past this momentary feeling of weakness. Because I know I�m not a weak person. Just great, now I�m getting all emotional and shit! |
4:14 p.m. || January 12, 2004 |
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