I fucked up again
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I seriously fucked up. (that�s nothing new) sorry but this is gonna be a little long, I will try to condense as much as possible I have been avoiding talking about E (the ex) for almost a year now. We had a good relationship for the most part. At one point I thought seriously I had found my match. I was not thinking of marriage but I was defiantly thinking long term. Even brought him home to meet the family. Now E did not come without flaws. One of which was a serious bout with depression. When we were together he was fine, but the minute he had to go back home (Grand Rapids) he started going through Blackpearl withdrawals�(yep I had that effect on him). Really though, he just had some wild shit happen to him as a kid that caused him to have trust issues with people, especially men. I encouraged him to get help. After much coercing from me and his parents he agreed to see a therapist. He went three times and stopped because he claimed it was not working. E was an introvert and I on the other hand was a extrovert�a serious social butterfly. I�m a go-getter, motivated, ambitious and driven (not lately though). E settles and is content with his current life instead of looking to make it better. After 9 months I started to get bored and started to feel smothered by his constant need to cling to me every chance he got. I started to pull away a little. Mainly because I was not giving school my undivided attention because I was always fucking (yea, I said it) and having to care for the emotional needs of a grown ass man. Most of the time I did not mind, but I began to feel drained and that my life only consisted of this one person. And I wanted much more out of my life. I did not want to break up with E. He was a good man. One of the best boyfriends I ever had. I just needed my space, not a lot of space, just a little. E took the �space� thing as me needing to fuck around. That was sooooo not the case. E didn�t believe me and decided that he would search through my phone and call the last male that I had talked to, who happened to be none other than J-mac. Now I have no problem at all letting my b/f look through my phone since I have nothing to hide. It�s when you go and be sneaky and do it behind my back that I have a problem with. And I have a huge problem when you decide to call my FRIENDS and act an ass and accuse us of being more than just FRIENDS. At the time J-mac and I were just friends. We would talk on the phone at the most once a month. I was happy in my relationship with E and was not willing to let J-mac mess that up for me. But I guess E assumed that something was still going on between us. After J-mac called to inform me that E called his house acting a fool, I knew it was over. I can�t be with someone who does not trust me. I had never given E any indication that I was being unfaithful (unless you count asking for just a tiny bit more time that I can devote to school work and a few social activities). When I broke up with E, it was ugly. The boy demonstrated suicidal ideals. It was more than I could handle. But being the compassionate person that I am (LOL) I tried to do what I could. In the end, I cut off all ties to E. He just could not deal with us as just friends. And I could not deal with us being anything more than friends. So I cut him off completely. Last December (2002) his friend called and begged me for a week to just go and have dinner with E before I move back to Cali. I told him that I would think about it. But E showed up at my door expecting me to go out to eat with him, so I did. That was the last time I have spoken to him. That was over a year ago. E has sent me about 3 small emails over the last year. I only responded to one. Just to let him know that I was still alive and doing well. Literally that�s all I said in the e-mail. I chatted with him once back in August over messenger and it was only for a few moments. Fast forward to two weeks ago. I see E is online. So I send him an IM. We chat for a while. Things were fine it was just casual. Then I started to really miss him (or maybe it was the good ass sex that I missed). Before I know it, I tell him that I miss him. He asks me if I would agree to have dinner with him again. I told him sure, if he was ever in the area that I would have dinner with him. I never thought the fool would go and buy a freaking plane ticket out here. I got an e-mail from him this morning saying he will be in SF next week and he wants me to come see him. Now keep in mind, I have not talked to E in over a year. He does not have my phone numbers for a reason. When he sent me the e-mail last week about looking at plane tickets to come out here I did not respond because I was hoping he would get the hint that I just had a momentary loss of sanity when I said that I missed him and would not mind seeing him again. I don�t think E is over me. And I am soooo over him. I don�t want to give him the wrong idea or think that there is any way that we would get back together. It�s just not possible. Not now. So I did what any decent, respectable women would do. I lied. Told him that I had a presentation next week and I already had plans to baby-sit later that night. I had to do it. I don�t feel comfortable enough to see him or talk to him (which is why I have not called him, even though he has e-mailed me his number 3 times). And it does not help any that he is flying in on Tuesday and flying out on Thursday. So that leaves Wednesday. I don�t know who E thought he was, but he aint J-mac so he does not get the privilege of me using my VACATION time to see him. Sorry buddy anint gonna happen. I will accept partial blame. I guess I sent E the wrong message. But I never thought E would be crazy enough to buy a plane ticket without discussing it with me first. Guess I was wrong. |
12:33 p.m. || January 30, 2004 |
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