A constant cycle
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A constant cycle. That is how I feel about J-mac. Every time we talk he says, �I Love You� and I reply with �I know you do�. I have not said it back. Not because I don�t still love him. I just feel differently about our situation. Last night J-mac called to tell me about his new job and how unhappy he is. I listened with a sympathetic ear and I felt privileged that he called me to talk about another part of his life. As the conversation was ending, he said those three words and I responded with the same four words I have been saying for the past two months. J-mac was upset that I cannot tell him that I love him anymore. I don�t know how to explain to him that I am tired of the cycle. I am tired of loving him and not feeling the reciprocation of his love. I am tired of wanting him so much only to feel like my yearning is met by his need to put others in front of me. I�m tired of feeling like I am always on the backburner in his life. I want to finally be in the front. I want to be the one he thinks about in the morning. I want to be the women he thinks about throughout the day. I want to be the first person he calls when he is happy, sad, mad or just when he wants to talk. The incident that happened in February was a real eye opener for me. What�s funny is that it was not some big fight we had. But the little incident helped me realize I was giving too much of myself to a man that was not giving as much back. I needed more. I wanted more. And at that time he could not give me what I wanted. So I decided I needed to break the cycle. The same cycle that I have been dealing with for seven years now. Seven long years. Each time I would move on from J-mac, he would spit a little game my way and I was sucked back into the cycle. It�s something about that man that I can not resist. There is something that makes him different from other men that have come and gone in my life so effortlessly. I have lost count how many times this cycle has repeated itself. Each time, it has taken more strength than I knew I had to try to move past J-mac. It�s never easy. And he is never totally out of my system and I don�t know that he ever will be. He is the only man I have ever loved. But I�m tired of giving and giving and not receiving. There is only so much of myself to give before I am sucked dry. J-mac knows there is someone else. He knows there is something that is blocking me from being sucked back in. But even the feelings I have for B can�t stop the love I have for J-mac. Slowly I am being sucked back into the cycle. |
1:31 p.m. || June 30, 2004 |
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