Confused soul...
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Damn I hate being confused. E (my ex that I have yet to discuss in detail) and I were on messenger last week. He told me that he would be in San Francisco in a few weeks for a training. He wants to see me. I don�t think that is a good idea. I will go into detail about our break up on a later date. But when I left Michigan I really had no intention of keeping in contact with him. I have not spoken to him since a few days before I left when he insisted that I go out to dinner with him. I�m not really ready to be friends with him again because I don�t know that he can just be friends with me. It�s a long story. I had not heard from J-mac in a few weeks. And from J-mac�s track record...I know that when I have not heard from him that it signals bad news. I called him last week to find out why he was avoiding me this time. He claims that he�s not avoiding me. Since I was on his daytime minutes that were already low he said he would call me back. When he called me back I was at the store with my Mom. Of course she had to jump in and talk to her "future son-in-law". J-mac called again on Saturday. But I didn�t get a chance to call him back until Sunday. When he answered the phone he said "(my name) will you be my girlfriend". WHAT DA HELL??? My mouth literally fell into my lap. He then goes on and on about what a good woman I am and you know all the basic bullshit he has said to me more than once over the years. But he has never just asked me to be with him. We have talked about it but that�s about it. Of course I wanna say Hell Yeah..I will be with you. But I got a lil more sense than that (at leats most of the time I do). So I said what my mind was thinking instead of what my heart was feeling. I told J-mac that there is just too much history between us to just try to build a relationship without really sitting down and discussing what we are getting ourselves into. Plus the nearly 3000 miles between us would play a HUGE factor. I refuse to move back to MI especially Flint where he lives and I know he would not last a week here in Cali. After explaining to J-mac why I could not be in a relationship with him right now he made me promise that in a year when his job transfers him that I would go where ever his job sends him. FYI�.Blackpearl aint really the type of chick to just pick up and move to be with a man. I have always been strong willed and hard headed. I don�t usually take orders well and I have never been one to believe that the man is the head of the household regardless of what the bible says. I am an equal and insist on being treated as such. However, if J-mac moves somewhere that I could see myself living and I will be able to find a good job than I would consider moving to be with him..as long as things are going good for us. But motto has always been and will continue to be "Actions speak louder than words". I told J-mac that if he is serious about being with me than he has to prove it. Aint no more funny shit where he says what I wanna hear and I go flying into his arms. He is going to really really really have to work to get me back. He has some fierce competition from Bro A and even from B. J-mac told me that he has been looking into plane tickets to Cali. He is thinking of coming out here in mid October. Awww yes B. Damn I miss the hell outta that boy. I don�t think I have discussed him a whole lot either. (I see im going to have do a page dedicated to each of these crazy men in my life. Even I�m havin a hard time keeping them straight). B is one of those guys that I can easily see myself being with. He has his shit together. So if have read this then you know the basics about how me and B met. Yesterday I opened up my e-mail box and imagine my surprise. I got an email from B. He sent me an e-mail letting me know that I had been on his mind the last few days. I sent B an e-mail back letting him know how excited I get whenever he sends me an e-mail and to let him know that I have not forgotten bout him. Today I got another e-mail from B. He said that he still thinks bout me and really wants to see me soon. He is thinking of coming out here in October or November and wanted to know if that would be a good time for me. Of course I e-mailed him back and told him he better not be playin about coming out here for a visit..my heart just cant take all this teasin. Here I am confused as hell. J-mac and I have a long history and I�m not sure I�m ready to really let him go yet. I absolutely adore B. He has this beautiful brown skin, dreamy eyes, the cutest southern accent (he is from a lil ol country town in Mississippi) and he is a big time mama�s boy so he knows how to treat a lady. What had me hooked on B was the first time we ever went out to eat, he helped me take my jacket off and hung it up for me and when we got ready to leave the restaurant he helped me put my jacket back on. That may seem silly and insignificant but I had never had a guy do that for me. It was so sweet and just a small gesture but it really touched me. The best part was he always did it for me...whenever we went out to eat or to play pool or to the movies he would help me in and out of my coat and make sure it was hung up. Damn I love them southern boys. I�m digging Bro A too. Although we will have to wait a few weeks before I can make an honest decision on how I am going to deal with him. He seems so sweet and nice and we get along well so far. What I really don�t understand is why I am dealing with all these guys who live so far away. Why can�t I meet a man here in Cali that has a good job, college education and don�t have a bunch of rugrats. Is that really too much to ask?? |
12:35 p.m. || August 19, 2003 |
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