And the story goes a little something like this:
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Back in February, J-mac and I were having one of our usual conversations. You know, one of those convos that included us telling one another how much we miss each other and what our future might be like together. As usual, I tell J-mac that his words are cheap and his actions would speak a whole lot louder, so if he misses me so much, then he should be breaking his back to try to see me. Almost every time we talk, I try to get him to commit to seeing me again soon. He always gives me the same sad �I�m broke Pearl, Now stop asking me about it� tune. I know he�s not broke, he�s just cheap. And even though he gives me the same tired excuse, I always ask him when I�m going to see him again. J-mac usually tries to get mad at me and �put me in my place� and in return I act all sad and like I�m upset and as usual he loosens up. It works every time. But that one day in February, it didn�t work so well. I can barely remember how the conversation went now. I know that we got off the phone on bad terms. But I didn�t stress it much. It was one week from Valentines� day and I had a special treat for him from Glamour Shots (that he convinced me to do and promised he would pay half for). I figured that we would pretend like we were mad at each other for a few days, then he would break down and call me like he always does. Fast forward to May 4, 2004, I have yet to talk to J-mac on the phone. We have e-mailed each other a few times. He lost his job. But other then that little bit of information; I have not a clue about what is going on his life. I think in all the years that we have been dealing with each other, this is the longest that we have gone without talking to each other. At first I was a little shook up about the situation. But the truth is, now I am ok. I almost feel like I am over J-mac. I think he is just about out of my system. Which is why I refuse to call him. I want to hear his voice, I want to know how he is doing, but I don�t want all the feelings that go along with it. I realized not so long ago, that J-mac and I are not really the perfect couple. I tried to ignore all the things that I know would be a problem in our relationship. Such as his religious commitments, that fact that he really is a small town guy, where as I am a big city girl (I need more than one mall within 10 miles of my house) and we just don�t share some of the same views. I thought I could change. I thought we both could change. But the truth is, there are just certain things that I don�t want to change about myself. Being a submissive woman is one of them. I can�t�I won�t allow anyone to control me. Don�t get it twisted, J-mac has never tried to control me. However, he has some old school philosophies that I just don�t agree with. Many of his beliefs are based in religion. Again I have a problem with that. I finally have got myself to the point where J-mac is not the center of my attention. I can go a day now with out thinking about him. I still care about him, a lot. But I just don�t think I see a future with us. Fast forward to May 10, 2004 I originally started this entry last week. I was unable to finish it then. This morning I was awoken by A. Keys �Fallin� blaring through my cell phone at 5:19am. There is only one person who is assigned to that ring tone on my phone. J-mac. He FINALLY called me. I starred at my cell phone for a few second longer than normal to make sure that the name I saw flashing was right. I didn�t answer the phone. Instead I turned off the ringer and rolled back over to go to sleep. Ten seconds later the house phone begins to ring. I knew it was J-mac. Again I didn�t answer the phone. I tried to go back to sleep. But something was unusual. J-mac rarely calls me on my home phone. For a second I thought maybe there was an emergency. I knew there was no way I would be able to go to sleep with out knowing why he was calling. I listened to my voice mail message. Everything was fine. He still loves me, he still misses me. I rolled over with a smile on my face and went back to sleep. I knew hearing his voice was going to do something weird to me. Now I can�t seem to shake him out of my head. He told me on the message that I didn�t have to call him back. He wants to hear from me, but it doesn�t have to be today. I don�t know what I�m going to do. I have not made up my mind yet. I just have to many emotions circulating my body to really pin point what I�m feeling. Ya know, I am really starting to believe boys are more trouble than they are worth. |
10:30 a.m. || May 10, 2004 |
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Moving day - October 08, 2007 |