Doing it differently
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I know I need to update. It�s all here in my head. Just so much of it. All just so confusing. The weekend was good. Not great, just good. Friday, I was so tired. I went by my Mom�s house and Rie�s house after work. I made it home around 9:00. Just as I was pulling into my parking stall, Mr. Man calls me to tell me that he is getting ready to put the little one in the bed and asked if I was still coming over. I wanted to see him. Feel him. Just be in his presence. But I was sooo tired. I agreed to come any ways just as soon as I took a long hot shower. Bad move. The shower just relaxed me even more and I never made it past the drying off stage. Instead, I flopped on the bed, let the cool fan dry me, and groggily told Mr. Man I wasn�t going to make it. I staid their on that bed until I got cold enough to climb under the covers. And I slept. Saturday happened to be one of the first this year that I had nothing to do. So I did just that. Nothing. Around 5:00, I took a bath, shaved my legs and just relaxed. Thinking of seeing Mr. Man in just a few hours gave me that nervous excitement that plagued my tummy. It was a good feeling. One I have missed. I met Mr. Man at his house. We went to Old Sac and had dinner. On the drive over to the restaurant, he told me he had something to tell me over dinner. My heart dropped a little in anticipation of what this talk was going to be about. Of course I was anxious. As soon as we sat down and ordered our dinner, I had to know what was going on. He tells me that the previous night (the night I was SUPPOSED to come over) the ex-girlfriend came thru. I listened as he told me that nothing happened. They just talked fell asleep on the couch watching TV and eventually she left. I believed him. I was not happy. And he knows it. But whatta do? We are not together; and he is trying to maintain a friendship with the women that helped him learn how to be a single parent and move on past a failed marriage. They have a lot in common. Things that Mr. Man and I don�t necessarily share. Mr. Man admits that he is not sure a friendship with this woman will be possible. I secretly kinda hope that the friendship thing won�t work. I will admit that I�m a tad bit envious of their former friendship. Then Mr. Man tells me we need to take a step back and slow things down a bit. He tells me how much he cares about me and likes me and wants things with us to be different. He said a lot of what I have been feeling. I am sick of failed relationships that leave me feeling used. I wanted to wait before jumping into a sexual relationship with Mr. Man. I never really realized it before, but I actually use myself. I jump into sexual relationships hoping that it will be a way to hold onto the person. This little revelation came to me last Friday. But I thought it was to late to back track and ask Mr. Man if we could start over. I am thankful that he had the balls to do what I was too scared to do. He asked for a do over. He wants to spend more time together with each other without the hassle of sex involved. I agreed. It�s what I have been wanting all along, just didn�t know how to ask for it. And was scared that I would lose him if I asked for it. I�m gonna miss the sex. Being around him and having him touch me makes it hard not to get stirred up. But I am willing to take a step back and try something different. Someone once told me if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten. I�m gonna do different in hopes of getting something different in return. It�s time to work on me. Learning what I want. What makes me happy (besides sex). Getting better control over my flaws. There is so much potential in myself. I can feel it. We never made it to the jazz club Saturday night. He worked all day and was tired. I did nothing all day and I was tired. We went back to my house. Listened to music, talked, I gave him a back massage. Eventually he fell asleep. I managed to walk him (in his sleep, he has no remembrance of this) back to my room. I laid him on the bed and I went back to the living room and fell asleep watching TV. Eventually, he woke up and joined me on the couch. After awhile, I got up and went back to my room to go to sleep. He stayed the rest of the night on the couch. I staid in my bed. We made it through the night together with no sex. Early Sunday morning. He joins me in bed. He touched me, I touched him and before I know it, I have to ask what happened to our talk from the previous night. He never answered the question. And he made me forget all about the conversation. An hour or so later, we have the talk again. We have to be strong for each other. He doesn�t think he can do it. I know he can. But it will take the strength of both of us to do it (or rather not do it). It will be hard. He touches the right buttons. And he 6 feet fucking 4 inches tall and wears a size 14 shoe. That alone causes me to lose control over certain bodily functions and makes it hard to say no. The upcoming week will help us out a little. I started my second job again. I have dug myself into an ugly financial hole and my punishment to myself is to work the second job. I was doing well for a while and resorted back to bad habits. And now I am suffering. No shopping. No special outings. I really should not be treating myself to my morning cup of coffee but I have tons of spare change in my car and that has been saving me in the morning. Once it�s gone, it�s gone. And my day will have to start without the coffee. Sunday, I will be traveling back to So Cal for a short two-day work trip. Just as I return to Sac, Mr. Man will be on his way to So. Cal for a week to visit his family. It�s only been 1.5 days since I have seen him but feels like it has been so much longer. We agreed that we can�t see each other after 9:00pm (unless we go out) if we want to stick with the no sex thing. I don�t get off work from the other job until 10:30pm. I miss him already. |
3:55 p.m. || March 15, 2005 |
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