I knew something was wrong......
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I actually wrote this entry on Wednesday while sitting in my car balling my eyes out. I did not have access to computer but I desperately needed to get my feelings out. I knew something was wrong����.. I have not heard from J-mac since the end of February. I knew something was wrong������ We usual talk at least a couple of times a month and when I had not heard from him I knew something was wrong�������. I sent J-mac an online greeting last week and when he did not send a reply, I knew something was wrong��������. So I called J-mac yesterday, and he did not return my call. I knew something was wrong. I called J-mac at work�.he no longer works there. I knew something was wrong����� So I called J-mac on his cell again and this time left a message that it was important and that I needed him to call me back as soon as possible. Of course there was no emergency but he called back in less than 30 minutes. I asked J-mac what the deal was and why he was avoiding me. He claimed that he was not avoiding me (yea fuckin right). But I knew something was wrong. He would never not call me, or ignore my e-mails. I had my suspicions as to what the problem was. But I was hoping and prayin that he would tell me different. Okay before we get into why J-mac has been avoiding me, let me share some background history about me and J-mac Me and J-mac met during my Sophomore year at TU. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and he had just broken up with his girlfriend. At the time neither of us wanted to jump back into a relationship so instead we were just �cut buddies�. That worked out for both of us just fine until feelings started developing. J-mac and I have been through some shit together over the last 5 years. During our 5 years of sexin each other we both have been in off and on relationships with other people. But we have always remained friends. The friendship eventually grew into a deep love for each other. I never really knew how much I really loved him until I got the news. Technically J-mac and I have never been boyfriend and girlfriend although if you saw us together you would never know it. All of our friends were just as confused as we were as to why we weren�t together. The opportunity for us to be a couple soon came when I decided to go to UM for grad school (J-mac lives in Flint, MI�only 50 mins. from Ann Arbor). He had me convinced that we could give our relationship a chance if we lived closer (he graduated TU before me and moved back to Flint). Even though I wanted to go to UM anyways, being closer to J-mac was an added bonus. Of course when I got to MI things were totally different. Now all of a sudden that I was 50 miles from him vs. over 1000 miles, he was too busy to see me or always had other plans. I must admit that J-mac has hurt me more than once. I always say that I�m going to leave him the fuck alone and let him do his own thang. Now one thing that you should know about J-mac and that is he is a charmer. I swear that boy could charm crack from a crack head. I always said that he would be perfect at negotiating he just has this charisma and personality that you can�t help but to love. And even though I know how charming he is I always seem to fall for him when he makes me mad. It�s like he knows exactly what to say� baby this, and baby that, and baby, you know I love you�..ect. Now had this been any other mother fucker and they would have had one chance to fuck up with me and I�m out. J-mac on the other hand has had his 3 strikes and I�m still foolin with him. While I was in MI I found out that J-mac had a girl friend. Okay no biggie�at the time I was done foolin with him and I had moved on. I started dating Crazy E and I was happy. But J-mac and I stayed friends and kept in contact. Even though J-mac had a girl, he was still trying to make that trip to Ann Arbor to visit me. But since I had a boyfriend I told him that I was not going to allow him to mess up a relationship that I had that was going good. And of course I had to remind him that he had a girlfriend and that he should respect her too. Then he turned on that J-mac charm and says he cant help himself and that he loves me so much and yadda yadda yadda. J-mac is confused. Every time I talk to him he consistently tells me that he doesn�t know what to do because he is in love with two women. Me being the mature young women that I am who refuses to chase after some dude�.I just tell him that he should stay with his girl�he seemingly made his choice who he wanted be with and it wasn�t me. Of course Im thinking he cant stay from me for too long. And I figure if I give him some time he would eventually see that it is me that he really wants to be with. I always pictured me and J-mac being married (and that is a stretch cause Im no where close to being married and having kids) and having gorgeous yellow babies with beautiful eyes and silky fine hair. But all of that was shattered when he said��. � I gave my girl a ring and asked her to marry me�.we already set the date for September� So that is why he has been avoiding me. And I know J-mac which is why I knew something was worng�.. As you can imagine my heart literally split in two. I was shocked and speechless and confused and hurt and lost and bewildered and all the other things that you could associate with such news. J-mac mentioned to me that he and his girl had talked about marriage, but I never ever thought he was serious. Hell me and J-mac have talked about marriage on more than occasion. I try so hard to be strong around J-mac. I don�t want him to know that he has this crazy ass affect on me or that I am as hung up over him as I am. The thing is that J-mac and I know each other so well, that he knows what Im feeling without me saying a damn thing. Although I may act all hard and like his relationship is not a big deal, he knows I am hurt and disappointed and very jealous. Which is why he has avoided telling me about his engagement. Now all I can think about is how to sabotage the engagement. While J-mac and his girl were together we had sex (on more than one occasion), he came down for my birthday and spent the night, took me out to breakfast and all that good stuff. I even have pics of J-mac naked that have the date that I took them stamped on them to shows that he was with the girl when I took them, that im sure his girl would be thrilled to see. Im no PI but I have the girls name and I know where she lives and that is all I need to find her. The evil me says to sabotage, sabotage, sabotage. But the more mature me says to just let things be�if J-mac is meant to be mine then it will happen. But damn, I want it to happen now. Okay so now that my heart is officially broken�.Anybody got some tape so I can put it back together and move on?? |
8:03 p.m. || May 04, 2003 |
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